PLEASE MAKE IT 2017 ALREADY

Hello, friends.

This year has been rough. For me, it started with an offer for a Broadway show on January 1st, which seemingly promised excellent fortune in the months ahead, only to have said Broadway show cancelled 3 weeks into rehearsal. And that looked like peanuts with what followed in 2016. This year is ending in an incredibly volatile political and social climate not only in the United States, but in the world. We are either approaching crisis mode, or are already in crisis mode and will only be able to tell when we look back and say, “Oh, how good we had it back then when we were in crisis mode and didn’t know it!”

 

We lost David Bowie, Prince, Florence Henderson, Edward Albee, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, and the one that pierces my heart most of all, Alan Thicke. There are humans using social media to beg for help and say their last goodbyes to the world, as what is left of their cities are being savagely bombed, and they are watching their friends and family be slaughtered right in front of their eyes, all in the name of power.

 

 

And for the cherry on top of my own personal pity pie, I might have mono. Yes, the virus that most of us got out of the way our freshman year of college when we kissed 87 people in the same night with no thought of germs, much less maybe raising our standards a little bit.

So, with 17 long days left to go (please be a happy day, Christmas), I’m going to look ahead to 2017 with a new plan.

While shopping at a local small business craft fair here in Chicago this past weekend, I came across a page-a-day calendar. Not the kind I know you’re picturing, with the crappy plastic stand that doesn’t actually stand even though its literal name is “STAND,” and the row of glue that hangs over the pages further and further as the year goes on and is impossible to rip off without the whole thing coming apart. No, this one was special.

For one thing, almost every product on the table it was displayed on bore the phrase “you are beautiful,” and being a human with an ego, I like when inanimate objects give me compliments. But I loved the beautiful, simply artistic and classic vibe it was giving me, and I also really like Post-It cubes, so it really spoke to me with its vertical shape.

But it was the name most of all. The name of the calendar is “Today.” And as we launch desperately out of this mess of a 2016 and emerge with renewed hope in 2017, I’m resolving to take it day by day. I’ve said this a lot in the past, but I mean it this time. And this calendar is going to help.

Many of you have been following along with my #PartyWithPatti initiative this whole year, where I celebrated as many “National Holidays” as I could manage. It was hard, and required a lot of planning, and a lot of the joy of celebrating was lost because I was constantly feeling bad for missing celebrations, or being forced to celebrate things I hated, like vegetables and healthy things and vegetables. When people asked if I was going to do that again, my immediate reaction was, “Hell, no!” I had a fantastic time and actually made some great new friends out of it, but it was a lot. So this year, I’m trying something new with “Today.”

Each day of the calendar has a new thought, just a few words long, that can mean absolutely nothing or a crap ton, depending on what you make of it. So each morning, I’m going to look at the phrase of the day, take a picture of it, share it, and see how it informs the next 24 hours. No cheating, no looking or planning ahead, just a lovely thing to look forward to every morning to make the day a little more fun, more challenging, more exciting, or just whatever. There is no pressure to “do,” though I know I will be inspired to.

And yes, I know that January 1st is just the day after December 31st, and the universe doesn’t actually reset itself, but guess what? I don’t really care. 2017 will be better, because I am going to make better things of it. And “Today” is going to guide the way.

So here we go! Let’s all hold virtual hands and get through the remainder of this sh*t pile of a year together. The only way out is love. And jokes. Lots and lots of jokes.

(To buy the calendar for yourself: https://you-are-beautiful.com/collections/art/products/today-daily-calendar)

(Also I literally do not know this man, so I’m not getting any sort of kickback or free stuff or anything. He legit doesn’t know I exist.)

Here’s a picture of my dogs, just for fun.

#PartywithPatti

Friends, followers, family members, Internet weirdos. 2015 is rapidly winding to a close, and the only things left on my To Do List are to go on my honeymoon, call the dentist, and write this blog, my last of the year. 2015 has been rather excellent. I got married to someone who actually makes me believe in soulmates, not in that romance-novel-gazing-into-each-other’s-eyes-laughing-softly way, but in the oh-man-we-are-the-exact-same-kind-of-weird-way. We adopted a second dog (hopefully this is not an annual tradition). Audra McDonald followed me on Twitter. Literally all of my best friends had babies.

Looking back on this epic year, I have decided that I want to do something to ensure that 2016 is just as celebratory, special and memorable. So I’m going to assign myself a PROJECT.

Me at the height of my elementary school project days. Probably not at the height of my popularity.

I was always good at projects as a kid. Maybe I procrastinated a bunch, but it was because I knew I could get it done at the last minute and have glorious results. Maybe this makes me sound like an asshole child, but this was before I figured out what an ego was, so this self-assuredness was entirely innocent. And true. But the days of dioramas and living book reports are long over (like, looooooong over), so I’m publicly challenging myself to this new project so as to make myself accountable for it. And to invoke severe fear of public humiliation in myself if I don’t complete it. What is this project, you ask? Well, let me tell you…

You know how EVERY SINGLE DAY on Twitter or Facebook, there is some random food or animal or person or ridiculous event to celebrate? Like, so many that you ask yourself, “Dude, does EVERY SINGLE FOOD have its own holiday? Do I need to celebrate EVERYTHING???”

Well, in 2016, my answer to this question is…YES.

I, Patricia Marie Elizabeth Murin (Donnell in spirit and love) am going to attempt to celebrate and observe as many National Days of Whatever as I can. Every single day, I will recognize whatever bizarre thing some random person has decided needs a holiday. I will follow the Twitter hashtags. I will eat the things. I will probably bake more. I will stare at my laptop/iPad/iPhone/iContactLenses with disbelief. And then I will shrug and say, “Let’s celebrate.”

Me staring at my desktop in utter disbelief.

You may be asking, “WHY would you do this? A year is a long time, and as there are many foods celebrated throughout the course of twelve months, you might gain 400 pounds!”

I’m not going to gain 400 pounds. Maybe like 15, but I gained 22 my freshman year of college and lived to tell the tale, so who cares? I’m doing this because right now the world, and more locally, the United States, is in a bit of a dire state of political insanity, assault rifles, and just a general unrest that will hopefully result in major change in the right direction and not World War III. And the best thing I can do right now for society is to celebrate the little things, and share my celebrations with as many other people as possible. Like the Ice Cream Sandwich (August 2nd) that reminds us of the lunch line in middle school.  Or the Zoo (April 8th), where so many generations of our families have memories. Or the Yellow Pig (July 17th), which I have absolutely no clue about, but I will challenge myself to learn. I will celebrate every day in 2016. Some days, I will celebrate many, many things. Some days, so much celebration will make me angry and tired. But I would rather be angry because I’m celebrating than angry because I’m bored.

To protect myself and my fragile ego and the general lack of follow through I tend to exhibit, I’m setting up some preliminary ground rules (that will most likely change as the year goes on). So far, they are:

1. If I don’t believe in it, I will not celebrate it. I will ignore it entirely. Completely Fake Examples: National Make Fun of Your Mom Day. National Kick A Dog Day. National Only Drink Raw Juice Day. I will not celebrate these fake holidays, or any real ones that I don’t agree with on personal principle.
2. It seems like every day a different food is acknowledged. Unfortunately, I have actual life threatening allergies to many of these foods (see previous blog post: https://wordpress.com/read/post/feed/25363033/857096106), so if anything that is being celebrated could also cause my death, I will slightly aggressively bow out.
3. There are roughly 80 billion National Days of Whatever, so to keep it real, I referenced three seemingly comprehensive and randomly chosen websites. If a National Day was acknowledged on two out of the three websites (on the same calendar day for 2016), I put it on my list. If not, I ignored it. You’ll see when we get to May that this step was imperative. I’m one human with actual real jobs coming up. I need a strategy.
4. I reserve the right to change the rules at any given time.
5. I reserve the right to interpret each holiday any way I want, though I will try my best to be true to the original meaning of the day.
6. Feel free to join me in celebrating any day you would like! The more, the merrier. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram if you don’t already (@PattiMurin), and if you don’t already, what the hell were you waiting for??  I will be using the hashtag #PartywithPatti for the whole year, even if I’m the only one. FYI, I just threw up inside my stomach a little bit. It was such a deep disgust with myself that it didn’t even get all the way up to my mouth.
7. If there are days when I can not complete a task, I reserve the right to assign said task to a friend, husband, family member, dog, random Twitter follower who has better access to a Leg of Lamb (May 7th) than I do, etc. I will, however, do my absolute best to complete everything myself.
8. I am not getting paid for this. I am not being sponsored. I’m also just an idiot girl, standing in front of an Internet, asking them to love her.

You guys are amazing just for reading this. Let’s make 2016 a year of celebration and appreciation, and remember how much we love other human beings and animals and plants and food and bizarre customs. And most importantly, let’s count down the minutes to National Wine Day (May 25th, or let’s be honest, every day). GAME ON!

Official Rules (and Disclaimers) for The (S)OCMLITDG: The (Semi) Official “Chicago Med” Live Interactive Twitter Drinking Game

Hi friends!

I had so much fun with our drinking game during last week’s premiere of “Chicago Med” on NBC that I want to hang out with all of you again! So this week, let’s change it up a bit, and do it live on Twitter as we watch. Follow me @pattimurin, tune in to NBC at 9 PM EST (8 PM CST, sorry West Coast!), and review this list of official rules and disclaimers that I am most likely legally required to state so I don’t get sued.

1. By “Drinking Game,” that does NOT mean alcohol. You may choose any liquid of choice, including but not limited to: wine, water, Diet Coke, chocolate milk, beer, V8, V8 Splash, V8 V-Fusion, V8 V-Fusion + Energy, Red Bull, peach Schnapps, prune juice, champagne, etc etc etc. Hell, you can take a bite of a sandwich instead of drinking for all I care.
2. If you ARE drinking alcohol, I’m assuming you are over 21. Right, friends?
3. If you are drinking alcohol, PLEASE don’t be an idiot. Stay home in your cozy PJs to watch, or have a Designated Driver who is absolutely not swallowing any alcohol or consuming any drugs tonight. I mean, this is a medical show. Let’s not contribute to the plethora of drunk driving storylines we are unfortunately destined to see in the upcoming seasons, okay?
4. BE NICE! Be nice. Just be nice! Maybe apply this rule to your every day tweeting. And living.
5. Use the hashtag #ChicagoMed so all the folks at NBC can see how much fun we are having!
6. Feel free to tweet me any fun (clean) pictures or stories or comments! I like interacting with all of you!

T(S)OCMPEDG: The (Semi) Official “Chicago Med” Premiere Episode Drinking Game

It’s here, it’s here! The premiere of Dick Wolf’s latest installment in the “Chicago” series, “Chicago Med,” debuts tonight! It follows “Chicago Fire” and “Chicago PD” to further develop the world of the men and women who work to protect, heal and serve the people of the city of Washington, DC. Just kidding, they’re in Chicago. (Note to self: Find a whole lot of ways to say “Chicago” without using the word “Chicago.”)

I tried to write a recap of this episode, but I found that I just couldn’t. I love recapping The Bachelor franchise, but I just couldn’t figure out how to voice this one. So I’ve decided to leave it to the professionals and instead create….T(S)OCMPEDG: The (Semi) Official “Chicago Med” Premiere Episode Drinking Game! So pick your poison: beer, wine, hard liquor, apple juice, seltzer, tune in to NBC at 9PM EST (8 PM CST), and be sure to follow me and tweet me as the night progresses! @PattiMurin

FULL DISCLOSURE: The man playing Dr. Connor Rhodes is my husband. I am married to him and I love him. Hopefully you are able to refrain from vomiting as you read this., although if you do vomit I take absolutely no responsibility and you probably should have cut yourself off at the first incision. Also, how cute is my husband???

Here we go!!!

Take a sip every time:

1. You literally want to squish Oliver Platt’s face and soul with your own heart.

2. Someone uses a string of medical terms that leaves your jaw on the floor in amazement.

3. A character from one of the other two Chicago shows makes an appearance.

4. You get lost deep in the endless pool of blue eyes that belong to Dr. Connor Rhodes (Im shwaaaaaaasted!!!!jkahwi).

5. Someone you are watching the show with has a very strong and loud vocal opinion about the ethical/moral storyline this week and you need them to be quiet cause you can’t hear the TV.

6. You see ER Nurse April Sexton smize and you unconsciously melt a little.

7. You get a little turned on by the underlying tension between hot male doctors.

8. You can’t decide who would make a more fun best friend, sassy charge nurse Maggie or curmudgeonly neurosurgeon Dr. Abrams.

9. Sarah Reese reminds you of your first days in a scary new situation and you try to hand her a vodka shot through the TV.

10. You find yourself making up stupid “ship” names for the new characters, like “Manstead” and “Sexodes.” Bonus points if you tweet me some of your own creation!

11. You say to someone, “I always liked redheads, and now I DEFINITELY like them!” even though you’ve never really liked redheads until Dr. Halstead came along.

12. You are in awe and also a little terrified of an excellent child actor.

13. You want S. Epatha Merkerson’s Sharon Goodwin to be your sister, godmother, aunt, cousin, BFF, anything so that you can feel comfortable asking her for advice about boys and college and jobs and stuff.

14. Your eyes well up, and you can’t even blame the alcohol you’re imbibing right now. Actually, take like 2 sips for that. I mean, I dare you not to accidentally chug your drink in its entirety.

15. You catch the super sly Brian Tee (who plays Dr. Ethan Choi) reference in the episode. (Hint: pay attention to Dr. Charles.)

16. You decide that you’re only traveling on cruise ships for the rest of your life before realizing that those aren’t safe anymore either.

17. If you’re a doctor and you think, “Hey, my scrubs don’t fit as well as theirs…”

18. Dr. Nat Manning gives you hot pregnant mom goals, holy crap that girl can ACT goals, and squad goals.

And just down the whole thing when:

The episode ends and you realize you have to wait a whole week for a new one BUT OH WAIT CHICAGO FIRE IS ON NEXT THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!

Thanks for playing, and I hope that you’ll tune in next week for more “Chicago Med” fun! Now go eat a bagel, drink 14 glasses of water, and pop an Advil. You have to work tomorrow.

Celebrities attend 2015 NBCUniversal’s press tour at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. Featuring: Colin Donnell Where: Los Angeles, California, United States When: 13 Aug 2015 Credit: Brian To/WENN.com

Hi!

Hi friends!

For more Literally Patti Murin on a daily (or sometimes hourly or minute-ly) basis, follow me on Twitter and Instagram! If you like cute puppies and blatant honesty, I’m @PattiMurin on both sites. See you soon!

Happy Fourth!

Happy July 4th to everyone! For us here in the US, it’s a celebration of our country’s birth, and for those of you anywhere else, it’s a random day in July! Just wanted to give a quick update and apologize for not being more active, but I was very busy this past month or so getting married! I’m also rehearsing a show that goes up next week, so it’s been a little crazier than normal. But if you’re on Twitter or Instagram, follow me @pattimurin, and see what I’ve been up to and what random things I ponder on a daily basis in 140 characters or less. More to come very soon, I promise! Thanks for following, and I hope you have an excellent day, no matter what it means to you.

Love in NYC
Photo credit: Laura Marie Duncan Photography

I WANT CANDY*

Food, food, food, eating, healthy, food, yum, food, hungry, fat, skinny, heart, food, food, food. It’s all we hear about, all we read about, all they’re talking about on TV, in magazines, even in the ads in the subway where I practice my Spanish. We are officially obsessed with food and how to eat. There are diets upon diets upon diets. No carbs, all carbs, all bacon, organic only, eat like a caveman, eat like a French woman, eat like someone who doesn’t eat. We literally take pictures of our food and plaster them all over the Internets: Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and our newest social media app: Periscope, where you can show people what is in your fridge. In real time. Because people will actually watch this. Seriously, try it. Then follow me on Periscope @pattimurin.

The main message in all of this? Eat Healthy!

This is horrifying.

Whatever the heck that means. One year dairy is in, then it’s full of hormones and will make you fat. Red wine and beer drinkers live longer than teetotalers (SAT word alert), but don’t have more than one glass a day, or else you’re considered a binge drinker. Carbs are terrible for you, then all of a sudden they’re totally fine as long as you’re eating whole wheat products that taste vaguely like the dirt you used to plant your seeds in in elementary school science class that you may have tasted when no one was watching.

Full disclosure: I like to eat crap. In-N-Out is my church. My regular concoction at Yogurtland has been described as “a whorehouse of flavor.” Right now I’m eating a dinner fit for a ten year old boy rushing from baseball practice to Boy Scouts: mac and cheese and chicken nuggets, with a healthy side of barbecue sauce. I’ve been known to eat one singular food group as a meal, and it’s usually cheese. I just don’t gravitate to healthy foods, no matter how hard I try. Even when I have salads, they’re filled with cheese (cheese is a big part of my life) and croutons and enough dressing that I can’t actually taste the green stuff at the bottom (I think it’s called lettuce?). After years of trying to clean out my diet and clean up my act, I finally came to a crashing, yet remarkably simple realization.

You know why it’s so hard to eat healthy? Because it’s AWFUL. Healthy food is TERRIBLE. Vegetables are the Earth’s revenge for trampling all over it. Earth literally said, “Dude, I JUST decorated! You gonna cut my babies down to make prom corsages and those stupid subscription inserts for magazines that you already subscribe to? Fine, then I’m gonna grow a bunch of crappy tasting green edible plants and you’re gonna eat them because I will make them good for you! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” Damn you, Earth. We coulda had candy trees.

And then we decide to cook these nutritious little devils, to make them more exciting! I am absolutely baffled at this idea. Why would I take something that, in its raw form, tastes the best it can ever hope to taste, and make it hot and limp? Hot and limp are not words you want to describe anything in your life. Trust me.

(Note: raw carrots are exempt from this blog. There is nothing more satisfying than a crunchy, freshly peeled carrot. Unfortunately for me, I am allergic to them.)

DO NOT BE FOOLED. These are beet pancakes..

To make vegetables good, you have to disguise them. There are entire cookbooks that exist solely filled with recipes designed to hide vegetables in them. Beet flavored pancakes? Punishable by 3-5 years in a minimum-security prison. Pureed cauliflower that looks like mashed potatoes? Expect divorce papers. Spinach in my brownies? That’s literally the meanest thing anyone could ever do to me.

But what about deep frying, you say! Yes, deep fried asparagus is obviously preferable to sautéed asparagus, but then you hear the voices in your head telling you that “deep fried anything is most likely not as good for you as non-deep fried anything**.” So using this logic, as long as your Oreos aren’t deep fried, they’re healthi-ER for you than deep fried asparagus! Right? No? Great.

And the worst offender of them: kale. Is there anything worse than kale? To make it even remotely interesting, you have to stuff it in a salad and pour dressing all over it, or make freaking CHIPS out of it, and THEN sprinkle said kale chips with weird seasonings like coconut or cayenne. Whose idea was that? Give me ten full-fat sour cream and onion potato chips instead of a whole bag of kale chips any day. I’m not that hungry.

A perfect meal.

But you know what tastes great all by its lonesome? Chocolate. Chocolate tastes amazing without cream filling or peanut butter (even though it is drastically improved by peanut butter in 99% of cases***). Guess what else tastes awesome all by itself? Cheese. When push comes to shove, cheese don’t need no crackers or fancy meats to make it better. You can shove that stuff in your face straight out of the package. So it’s tasty AND convenient.

I get that we have to avoid obesity and keep our hearts going as long as possible so we can live long and prosperous lives, watch our children grow and finally have money and time simultaneously so we can travel to the Australian Outback. So I shall continue to do my best, if only for the sake of my fiancee, my parents and my future children. I mean, I want to be alive to bake them Squash Pizza.

Just kidding. I would never be that cruel.

*There are absolutely no scientific facts in this blog. I am not a scientist, even though I read every UberFact on Twitter and most of the articles in Dr. Oz magazine.

**I just made up this quote. I didn’t actually quote it from anywhere. It just seemed like it belonged in quotation marks.

***This is a scientific fact. For sure.

M is for Milo

If any of you follow me on any social media platform (@pattimurin on everything come follow me be my friend me me me), you know that I have a very special man in my life that I love more than anything. He’s loving, loyal, exceptional at cuddling, and very very hairy.

My dog, Milo.

My fiancee and I found Milo on petfinder.com at a rescue in Tennessee, and had to commit to adopting him without meeting him. He was 8 weeks old, about 2 pounds and came from a great organization called Moonshine’s Rescue. I mean, if that wasn’t a sign that this puppy was meant to be ours? Come on.

Because he was being transported from the south on a mobile veterinary unit by some incredibly generous volunteers, we had to go pick up Milo in the parking lot of a random Sheraton in Parsippany, NJ at 4:30 AM on a Saturday. Yes, you heard that right. Colin and I poured ourselves into a Zipcar and drove the 35 minutes in the dark. When we pulled in, we laughed about how much this resembled a drug deal. Not that I’ve ever taken part in a drug deal, I swear! But in all honesty, it felt a little bit sketchy, and we wondered for a second if maybe we were unwittingly contributing to the illegal sale of designer dogs as opposed to actually rescuing one from a potential life of ill treatment.

The huge truck finally showed up, right on time. As it pulled into the parking lot, people started getting out of cars all around us. A lot of people. It felt like a really heartwarming version of “The Walking Dead,” if all the zombies were really nice alive people who just wanted a new animal to love. We all formed a line outside the truck, and one by one, our new family members were brought out.

When it was our turn, I said to myself, “Remember this moment forever. This is the moment when you get your new best friend.” The door opened, and a volunteer put our little tiny Milo into my arms. He was warm and curious and I could feel his baby heart beating as he strained to see over my shoulder. He fit in my two hands, and I couldn’t believe that this little guy was ours to keep. My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. So often we lose sight of what is feels like to love something unconditionally and purely, and Milo is my little living reminder that love can, and should, be uncomplicated.

Milo turns one in just a few days, and I can’t believe how fast the time is going. He’s my buddy, my bubba, my peanut. He was the perfect addition to our very new family unit, and I can’t get enough of his face. I’m sure there will be more stories about Milo in the future, because I literally can’t stop talking about him in an annoying baby voice.

Now, for fun, go back and re-read this in an annoying baby voice.

“Never underestimate the warmth of a cold nose.”